I am the very model of a pagan intellectual…

I wrote this on the back of a menu in a restaurant in Montreal, for the open-stage night at the Gaia Gathering, a few days ago. Enjoy!

I am the very model of a pagan intellectual
I’ve studied ancient knowledge, theoretical and practical
I wear these little glasses, and a pony-tail to tie my hair,
and also talk a lot of rot both all the time and everywhere.

I am the very model of a pagan intellectual
My workshops at the festival are always billed as magical
And yet when you attend there are no rituals or jewelry
Instead you get a load of stuff so weird it must be mystery

I’ve stayed awake in lectures that a lesser man could not endure
I’ve reconstructed ancient ways, especially the most obscure
In short, in all the matters theoretical and practical
I am the very model of a pagan intellectual!

I am the very model of a pagan intellectual
I talk of topics scientific, also philosophical
I have initiations from a modern university
And always post my essays on the internet for you to see.

I am the very model of a pagan intellectual
And yet you find me with my djembe drumming at the festival
I can raise a cone of magic power with most anyone
And then debate about the finer points until the morning sun

I can quote a thousand myths and legends from the ancient world
I wear a Goddess pendant in the hope it will impress a girl
In short, in all the matters theoretical and practical
I am the very model of a pagan intellectual!

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19 Responses to I am the very model of a pagan intellectual…

  1. Hobbes says:

    And here’s the tune for those who are not light-opera enlightened:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hlTisI_HSgw&feature=related

  2. Would be a fun youtube video..

    🙂

  3. Plume says:

    I was there at your performance and thought it was brilliant! Too funny.

  4. Seonaid says:

    Reviewing your claims, I believe that you may, in fact, BE the very model of a pagan intellectual.

  5. Thanks for the giggle!

  6. Nicely done. Glad you enjoyed the conference…..bang up job the local committee did.

  7. Andeg Myeengun says:

    While we’re on the subject of parodies of the original song, check out this “elemental” version.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGM-wSKFBpo

  8. Does that mean I’m called little Buttercup?

  9. Anne Johnson says:

    This is brilliant, and I second the call for a YouTube!

  10. Maggie Beaumont says:

    Oh, my. I am so sorry to have missed this in live performance. In the audio version in my head it’s just priceless! As with the original, I suspect I could name a few more Pagan Intellectuals who might make similar claims … but probably none who could speak quite as fast or clearly.

    Thanks so much for sharing this.

  11. Nicole Youngman says:

    Oh what fun…many kudos from an OBODie with a sociology PhD who hopes to live up to your example. 😉

  12. I am the very model of a modern esotericist,
    A seasoned astral traveler and an edifying exorcist,
    A sparkling star astrologer, a dead adroit necromancer.
    A dab hand as a palmist and a card as a Tarotmancer.
    I’ve folk tradition lineage-both Celtic and Germanical;
    I’ve channelled Robert Heinlein and I’ve busted cults Satanical;
    Elusively mysterious in Eleusinian Mysteries,
    I’ve proven eighty-three per cent of Velikovsky’s histories.
    My patent aphrodisiacs would make a satyr hornier;
    I’ve manufactured unicorns in northern California.
    In short, in matters magical I’m manic as a terrorist;
    I am the very model of a modern esotericist!

    I am the very model of a modern esotericist.
    My mystic methodology’s inherently empiricist;
    I’ve tread the Cretan labyrinth on pathways that I travel on;
    I won’t deny the rumors that I ghostwrote Mists of Avalon.
    A truly great Great Riter and a master of tantrickery,
    I’m up the Shining Pathways til the Guardians are sick of me.
    I dazzle Neo-Pagans as I breakdance round the Wicca ring
    And, miracle of miracles, I even stop them bickering!
    I’ve raised the ghost of Crowley in a Gnostic Mass invoking in
    Sumerian, Bavarian, Etruscan and Enochian.
    I’d sing another chorus, but I have to see my therapist;
    I am the very model of a modern esotericist!

    http://templeofthecat.livejournal.com/59797.html

  13. Erik says:

    Well played, sir!

  14. Turok says:

    I am the very model of an eclectic wiccan pagan
    I’ve read all of Buckland’s books, was helped most by Nancy Reagan’s
    I’m always first to circle ’cause I’ve got to call the spirits in
    If ever I met the goddess, the bitch would make my head spin
    I always worship skyclad with no thoughts to what arises
    And carry a pouch of stones to counter bad surprises
    I’ve never really listened at each or any ritual
    My pagan craft is so ingrained others call it habitual

    Her pagan craft is so ingrained others call it habitual
    Her pagan craft is so ingrained others call it habitual
    Her pagan craft is so ingrained others call it habit-habitual

    I started as a self-initated priestess of Ianna
    Then I heard of the craft called Wicca and shouted Hosanna!
    I could mix and match from this and that, even some from old Sagan
    So, I am the very model of an eclectic wiccan pagan

    She could mix and match from this and that,even some from old Sagan
    So she is the very model of an eclectic wiccan pagan

    I’ve been in circle with the greatest names in pagan folklore
    And I can say triumphantly that I am one they all adore
    Now I’ll say something that I don’t go into very often
    That their hard views about mix and match simply should be softened
    For there is good in everything if I only know how to look
    That perfectly astute perception should be written in a book
    And it is ok if I gloss over the bad or deep or hard
    Of course, anything I do not like, I completely disregard

    Of course, anything she does not like, she completely disregards
    Of course, anything she does not like, she completely disregards
    Of course, anything she does not like, she completely disre-disregards

    I try so hard to learn new things but have awful concentration
    So, I stick to what is easy for little education
    A method followed faithfully from here to Copenhagan
    So, I am the very model of an eclectic wiccan pagan

    A method followed faithfully from here to Copenhagan
    So, she is the very model of an eclectic wiccan pagan

    I do not bother with any tools or calling out the quarters
    For I think that like in Star Trek spirits come with a transporter
    Every spell works out perfectly filling me with ecstacy
    Of course, I’ve never run into any big or bad or nasty
    Some call my life frivolous but I prefer to say carefree
    You can be just like me just never ever study
    Simply do as you will and never mind the consequences
    Practicing wicca with three syllable sentences

    For she practices wicca with three syllable sentences
    For she practices wicca with three syllable sentences
    For she practices wicca with three syllable senten-sentences

    In closing I would like to say: I think mine is the perfect way
    For I’ll never ever listen to whatever others have to say
    And next week I’ll learn some more about an old god they called Dagon
    For, I am the very model of an eclectic wiccan pagan

    And next week she’ll learn some more about an old god they called Dagon
    For, she is the very model of an eclectic wiccan pagan

  15. Christina G says:

    Perhaps you will do this performance again during the Bard competition at KG for those who were unable to make it to Gaia??? Or You tube/Pod cast…

  16. The original (and correct–the version you have here has been through the “folk tradition” for a few rounds) of “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Esotericist” is here:

    http://www.shadowplayzine.com/Fiction_Poetry/model_of_a_modern_esotericist.htm

    It was written sometime in the 80’s by Liam Cyfrin, who used to be part of the crew that produced SHADOWPLAY, the then-leading Pagan publication in Australia.

    Blessed Be,

    Valerie

    • Brendan says:

      Actually, the version I have here is one which I personally composed.

      • Valerie Voigt says:

        Sorry, didn’t mean to imply that yours was “wrong”: in fact, I think it’s brilliant! What I meant was that the original version of “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Esotericist” (specifically) was originally written by Liam Cyfrin. I’m just wanting to make sure of credit where credit is due, and to note that the song has gone through the folk process.

        Blessings to you!

  17. Liam Cyfrin says:

    The things you stumble upon …

    The Modern Esotericist version above is the one published in an issue of Green Egg with some changes by dear old Oberon Zell-Ravenheart who, rather disarmingly, decided it had been about him so made it even more about him. Well, the “manufacturing unicorns” bit obviously was, but it was intended to be rather more of a composite portrait.

    A few people got miffed by Oberon’s changes on my behalf, but I’m sure lots more were miffed at me on Gilbert and Sullivan’s, so there you go. Swings, roundabouts, and as Valerie observes, “the folk process”. Also I’m very fond of Oberon.

    For the record the original 1980s mix was as follows;

    I am the very model of a modern esotericist;
    A seasoned astral traveller and edifying exorcist,
    A sparkling star astrologer, a dead adroit necromancer,
    A dab hand as a palmist and a card as a tarotmancer.
    I’ve folk tradition lineage – Italian and Hispanical;
    I’ve channelled Dion Fortune and I’ve busted cults Satanical;
    Elusively mysterious in Eleusinian Mysteries,
    I’ve disproved ninety-three percent of Margaret Murray’s histories.
    My patent aphrodisiacs would make a satyr hornier;
    I’ve manufactured unicorns in Northern California;
    In short, in matters magical, I’m manic as a terrorist;
    I am the very model of a modern esotericist.

    I am the very model of a modern esotericist;
    My mystic methodology’s inherently empiricist;
    I’ve glided over Glastonbury on broomsticks I can travel on;
    I don’t deny the rumours that I ghostwrote Mists of Avalon.
    A truly great Great Riter and a master of tantrickery,
    I’m up the Shining Pathways till the guardians are sick of me;
    I dazzle Neo-Pagans as I breakdance round the Wicca ring;
    And, miracle of miracles, I even stop them bickering.
    I’ve raised the ghost of Crowley in a Gnostic Mass invoking in
    Sumerian, Bavarian, Etruscan and Enochian;
    I’d sing another chorus but I have to see my therapist;
    I am the very model of a modern esotericist.

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