Here are a few words and phrases that I\u2019ve overheard people saying in public places which, in my judgment, must die. Uttering them can damage the speaker himself, because they reinforce ignorance or callousness or cold-heartedness, or other dispositions that do nothing to improve the quality of one’s own life. Uttering them can also cause harm to others, damaging relationships or engendering discontent and malaise in the minds of the hearers. Malicious words can weigh like a stone in the mind. Friendships, even casual friendships, can be stressed or broken by them, even when both parties have good reasons to like each other.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d like to start an informal campaign to stamp these ridiculous and belligerent phrases out of our language. I’m promising you here and now that I will never use them anymore, and I invite you to remind me of this blog post if you catch me using one. I urge all of you to do likewise. And, if you are courageous enough, when you hear others using them, try telling that person that he just used a word or phrase that must die, and try to explain why.<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s my list, so far.<\/p>\n
\u2022 \u201cDon\u2019t worry, it all works out in the end.<\/strong>\u201d A rhetoric of non-responsibility. For the end never comes.<\/p>\n \u2022 \u201cDon\u2019t think of it as a setback or a loss. Think of it as an opportunity<\/strong>\u201d. But when you look on the world through rose-coloured glasses, you do not see it as it truly is. You see it only as you wish it were. But the world as-it-is, and the world as-wished-for, are not the same worlds. Indeed they are never the same worlds. The obsessively optimistic person\u2019s vision is thus equally as distorted as the cynical or the malaise-ridden person who sees the world only in shades of grey. To be blunt: most crises and tragedies are absolutely not opportunities in disguise. Treating them as such almost always produces an escapist fantasy instead of a real solution. I\u2019m really not sure what opportunities are available to a man who, in the recent collapse of the international banking and financial system, lost his house, his job, his insurance, his car, and his retirement savings.<\/p>\n \u2022 \u201cI\u2019m sorry you feel that way.<\/strong>\u201d and \u201cI\u2019m sorry you doubt me.<\/strong>\u201d One of the surest signs of a narcissist is that he utters these ridiculous phrases. For in truth it apologizes for nothing at all, and turns the blame for some incident back on the victim. <\/p>\n \u2022 \u201cI don\u2019t mean to be judgmental, but\u2026<\/strong>\u201d \u2026but you\u2019re about to be judgmental. Really, nobody is fooled by that one.<\/p>\n \u2022 \u201cThat\u2019s just the way I am. Take it or leave it, but what you see is what you get.<\/strong>\u201d Another rhetoric of non-responsibility. It tells the person who you have just offended that he or she should have known better than to talk to you, if he didn\u2019t want to be hurt by you. This turns the responsibility for your belligerence on to your victims. It\u2019s also, curiously, a rhetoric of weakness and impotence and spiritlessness \u2014 especially when coupled with the phrase \u201cI can\u2019t change who I am<\/strong>\u201d. If someone says this, he is also saying that he is too weak-willed, too lazy, and too uncaring of others, to change his ways and become a better person. Set aside a little pity in your heart for the loss of his willpower and his freedom.<\/p>\n \u2022 \u201cI have strong and controversial opinions<\/strong>\u201d. Translation: \u201cI want to be able to say whatever I want, no matter how offensive, without garnering any criticism. After all, I don\u2019t really want to enter into a rational dialogue with you. I just want to hear myself talk, and be agreed with. Those who disagree have weak opinions anyway, and are not worth my time.\u201d When I hear people say this, I make a mental note to find a way to politely excuse myself. <\/p>\n \u2022 \u201cIt makes me sad when you say that.<\/strong>\u201d This one presupposes that one\u2019s emotional state is caused by other people\u2019s words. It would be fine to say this in response to deliberately abusive words: \u201cYou\u2019re worthless\u201d, or some such. But it is quite another thing when the offending words are the expression of a rational judgment on some topic, even a topic that is not especially controversial: \u201cPassive euthanasia should be permissible\u201d, for instance. In such cases, this particular phrase passively-aggressively diverts the discussion from the actual statement itself to the annoyance you feel when you share space with people who think differently from you. It pretends that the speaker of the first statement caused harm to the other by having his or her own opinion. <\/em> But this is nonsense. Remember, a difference of opinion is not a personal attack. It is<\/em> possible for people to disagree with each other without hurting each other. It’s time for us all to learn how.<\/p>\n \u2022 \u201cIt\u2019s a free society, I can do what I want, and nobody forces me to do anything.<\/strong>\u201d Often used as a way to avoid being called on to account for harms that the speaker has caused to others. It’s also shockingly ignorant. Sure, in this modern society our minds and values need no longer be controlled by laws, armies, thought police, and prisons. But instead we are managed in more subtle ways with peer pressure, status anxiety, credit agencies, religious fanatics, banks, insurance companies, oil and gas corporations, drug companies and pharmaceutical suppliers, marketing agencies, the entertainment media, and the desperation which arises from poverty. We are managed in our lives by forces like these so well, that we think ourselves still free. <\/p>\n \u2022 \u201cYou should see things from both sides<\/strong>\u201d. When this comes from someone whose mind is dominated by self-interest, by narcissism, or by hate, it really means \u201cYou should see things from my point of view, and no one else\u2019s.\u201d<\/p>\n \u2022 \u201cThat\u2019s my opinion, and I\u2019m entitled to my opinion<\/strong>\u201d. Notice the absence of any standard of excellence by which we could tell whether a given opinion is worth having. Notice, also, that it tends to prevent rational and critical discussion of whether the opinion is worth having. People use this phrase to remain complacent in their ignorance. They don’t let even the facts of reality get in the way of their opinions. Finally, notice that it\u2019s easily reversible: with exactly the same logic, you could reply with: \u201cYou\u2019re an idiot, and that\u2019s my opinion, and I\u2019m entitled to my opinion.\u201d (But I don\u2019t recommend replying that way, of course. Responding to a phrase that must die with another phrase that must die, will only kill us all.)<\/p>\n Friends, I know that lots of people, including lots of otherwise good people, use these phrases all the time. That\u2019s because most people in the world don\u2019t know how to communicate well. But I\u2019m here to tell you that we don\u2019t have to communicate by means of violence, belligerence, neglect, and abuse. It is always better for everyone when we communicate with humanity, integrity, and wonderment. So let\u2019s start living better lives by cleaning up the way we speak to each other. And this is something we can all do without lifting a finger. <\/p>\n How many more phrases like this can you think of?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Here are a few words and phrases that I\u2019ve overheard people saying in public places which, in my judgment, must die. Uttering them can damage the speaker himself, because they reinforce ignorance or callousness or cold-heartedness, or other dispositions that … Continue reading